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Dear Friends.. (12/10/2017)
5 min read
I'm just going to start this by saying I have no idea who still looks at my page anymore. I've been on this website for about 12 years (only 7 years on this account, but I've browsed deviantART since practically the beginning), and I've made many friends on here, but I've changed so much these past few years. This website, which was once a daily ritual & "safe-space" to me is now more of a time-capsule. A place where old art & memories live.
Drawing, since the moment I could put a pencil to paper, was what I spent 99.9% of my time doing. I drew with my father and sister often, because we are all artistic, and I pretty much did nothing else but draw when I was alone. It let me daydream & escape from the bad experiences in my childhood; it was my therapy; it was my identity; it was my everything. I can remember being in kindergarten, watching Dragon Ball Z in my room & telling myself that one day, I was going to make my art come to life. I can still remember how passionate I was about that, even at such a young age.
To be honest, it would be kinda sad for me to completely erase this page & say goodbye to deviantART forever. No matter what I do in my daily life, I am an artist. Art is in my blood, and I'll always hope that I will one day rediscover the love & passion I once had for my art. But life, even at 22, is exhausting. I've gone through so much emotional & mental ups and downs these past few years. I did the best I could. I went to college right after graduating high school, working two part-time jobs, to pursue my dreams of becoming an illustrator/animator.. I dropped out of art school after three semesters because I was experiencing an unhealthy amount of emotional breakdowns & my once near-perfect grades took a massive nosedive. I lost all hope in myself, and as my depression got worse, I fell out of love with everything, even art. Any friends that I had kept after high school, I distanced myself from completely; I just didn't have the energy to reach out. Nothing brought me joy, and my world became the darkest it's ever been.
I've hit my lowest lows, and wanted more times than I could count to just end it all, but I have also reached my highest highs. I fell in love with an amazing man who has loved and supported me unconditionally & fought alongside me against my demons for nearly three years now, have made great progress in my feelings of self-worth & combating the effects of my anxiety and depression through therapy, and have found the inner strength to work hard, and better myself & my situation. I work (nearly) full-time in a company that I am proud to work for, and even though things are far from perfect, I no longer live every day feeling like everything is crashing around me. For the first time since I was young, I feel hope again.
Falling back in love with art has been so much harder than I ever would've thought. It came so naturally to me my entire life up until my adulthood, that I sometimes struggled with how much I've changed as a person. I used to be so quiet and reserved; afraid to have attention brought to me & hesitant to get too close to others (or rather, for people to get to know me too well). I used my art to express my sense of humor, my interests, my personality. I let my art talk for/represent me, so I didn't have to put myself out there.
As dramatic as it may sound, I feel like when I began to slip into my most recent, years-long depression, everything began to die in me, one by one, until I was completely broken down to my rawest, most vulnerable form. I had to be reduced to nothing, with nothing to get comfort from, in order to be reborn into something greater.. As 2017 is coming to a close, I've experienced a year of metamorphosis. I've become so strong and confident in myself, and I feel like I'm finally starting to let my true self shine to the outside world.. I no longer need my art to do the talking for me. Don't get me wrong, I do find myself doodling every once in a while, and, especially these past couple of months, I will feel inspired to sit down & sketch, in the hopes that I will produce a finished piece, but I can no longer sit for hours, even a full day or night, and just draw; my life now is far too busy for that lol
With that being said, if you've made it this far, you deserve an award & a hug! I can't promise anymore that I'll be a super active user again one day.. All I can say is that as I try to fall back in love with my art, I'll also try to keep this page updated with my (slow) progress.. I hope you'll be here with me through this ~
I may not show it as much as I used to in my younger years, but I appreciate every single one of you who have stuck around (you know who you are ^u^). Even if it's a favorite here and there, checking in on my page every once in a while, or the confusing bunch of you who have recently followed me, you are all my dear friends & I hope you know you are loved <3
Drawing, since the moment I could put a pencil to paper, was what I spent 99.9% of my time doing. I drew with my father and sister often, because we are all artistic, and I pretty much did nothing else but draw when I was alone. It let me daydream & escape from the bad experiences in my childhood; it was my therapy; it was my identity; it was my everything. I can remember being in kindergarten, watching Dragon Ball Z in my room & telling myself that one day, I was going to make my art come to life. I can still remember how passionate I was about that, even at such a young age.
To be honest, it would be kinda sad for me to completely erase this page & say goodbye to deviantART forever. No matter what I do in my daily life, I am an artist. Art is in my blood, and I'll always hope that I will one day rediscover the love & passion I once had for my art. But life, even at 22, is exhausting. I've gone through so much emotional & mental ups and downs these past few years. I did the best I could. I went to college right after graduating high school, working two part-time jobs, to pursue my dreams of becoming an illustrator/animator.. I dropped out of art school after three semesters because I was experiencing an unhealthy amount of emotional breakdowns & my once near-perfect grades took a massive nosedive. I lost all hope in myself, and as my depression got worse, I fell out of love with everything, even art. Any friends that I had kept after high school, I distanced myself from completely; I just didn't have the energy to reach out. Nothing brought me joy, and my world became the darkest it's ever been.
I've hit my lowest lows, and wanted more times than I could count to just end it all, but I have also reached my highest highs. I fell in love with an amazing man who has loved and supported me unconditionally & fought alongside me against my demons for nearly three years now, have made great progress in my feelings of self-worth & combating the effects of my anxiety and depression through therapy, and have found the inner strength to work hard, and better myself & my situation. I work (nearly) full-time in a company that I am proud to work for, and even though things are far from perfect, I no longer live every day feeling like everything is crashing around me. For the first time since I was young, I feel hope again.
Falling back in love with art has been so much harder than I ever would've thought. It came so naturally to me my entire life up until my adulthood, that I sometimes struggled with how much I've changed as a person. I used to be so quiet and reserved; afraid to have attention brought to me & hesitant to get too close to others (or rather, for people to get to know me too well). I used my art to express my sense of humor, my interests, my personality. I let my art talk for/represent me, so I didn't have to put myself out there.
As dramatic as it may sound, I feel like when I began to slip into my most recent, years-long depression, everything began to die in me, one by one, until I was completely broken down to my rawest, most vulnerable form. I had to be reduced to nothing, with nothing to get comfort from, in order to be reborn into something greater.. As 2017 is coming to a close, I've experienced a year of metamorphosis. I've become so strong and confident in myself, and I feel like I'm finally starting to let my true self shine to the outside world.. I no longer need my art to do the talking for me. Don't get me wrong, I do find myself doodling every once in a while, and, especially these past couple of months, I will feel inspired to sit down & sketch, in the hopes that I will produce a finished piece, but I can no longer sit for hours, even a full day or night, and just draw; my life now is far too busy for that lol
With that being said, if you've made it this far, you deserve an award & a hug! I can't promise anymore that I'll be a super active user again one day.. All I can say is that as I try to fall back in love with my art, I'll also try to keep this page updated with my (slow) progress.. I hope you'll be here with me through this ~
I may not show it as much as I used to in my younger years, but I appreciate every single one of you who have stuck around (you know who you are ^u^). Even if it's a favorite here and there, checking in on my page every once in a while, or the confusing bunch of you who have recently followed me, you are all my dear friends & I hope you know you are loved <3
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10 facts and 10 questions!
10 min read
I was tagged by the lovely 
to give 10 facts about myself & answer her 10 questions ~
my facts
1) One of my favorite things (sometimes even more than drawing) to do is sit down and relax with a good book, though I haven't had much time for that lately :/
2) I am horrible at saving money; I definitely live paycheck-to-paycheck most of the time, and it's even worse during the holiday season; I love splurging on gifts for my loved ones lmao <3
(though I've been getting more into making gifts by hand these past couple years)
3) I have varied tastes in pretty much everything; music, fashion, food, you name it! I'm pretty open-minded, so I find things to like about most things ~
4) I went to an Irish-Catholic preschool (ran by nuns, which was pretty sweet) & while there, I was taught some Irish songs. 'McNamera's Band' was the easiest to remember (& dance to), therefore it was my favorite lol
Around that same time, I performed/sang that song twice on stage at pubs around where I lived (which for someone like me, who doesn't like attention, good or bad, was torture lmao)
5) When I was younger, I briefly took Karate and gymnastics, and I liked both quite a bit because it was good release for my negative emotions/anger (I was a troubled kid). However, I moved to a different town, which made it too hard to continue gymnastics & my karate teacher had a breakdown or something (I was too young to know at the time), and one day he just left class & never came back. Nowadays, despite my current size, I'm still pretty flexible & I've always been very strong (I'm the strapping son my father never had lmao), so I wish I could've continued those lessons and tested the limits of my body *sigh*
6) (this one's a little tmi lol) I'm probably one of the least romantic people you'll ever meet. I have no problems being affectionate in a platonic/motherly way, but I've never had the desire for a romantic/intimate connection (I can't even say that I've ever really had a crush on someone tbh). I like people, and I enjoy getting to know & being close with them, but its hard for me to show affection (verbally and physically) on a romantic level & God forbid I receive affection.. That's even more uncomfortable for me, though my low sense of self-worth plays a part in that discomfort lmao
I'm totally that person that criticizes every single movie with (in my opinion) an unnecessary & cliché romantic subplot (& don't even get me started with romance genre & shoujo manga, I can only handle it if its heavily doused in comedy and the romance isn't too dramatic).
7) I'm a very active (& heavy) sleeper. During those nights when I was little and a nightmare would bring me to sleep in my parent's bedroom, I would toss and turn so much that I'd (literally) kick my step-mother off of the bed. My father is just as heavy of a sleeper as me, so he never had a problem lol (my sister and I also inherited his sleep-talking/groaning)
The same can be said for my poor dog, we tried a couple times to have him sleep with me in my bed when he was a puppy (he's 13 now), but he suffered the same fate as my step-mother lol
I can also fall asleep pretty easily/quickly; it doesn't matter if I have to contort my body, I will find a comfortable position (most times) & I will fall asleep, even if I'm mid-sentence lol
8) I can tear up pretty easily over shows/movies (especially if it has to do with parents/fathers, children, or animals), but I'm extremely private with my internal issues/emotions. I think there's only been a couple times I've actually opened up and cried about my inner feelings in front someone who wasn't a family member. I process all that kind of stuff internally, and I don't want to feel weak/stupid in front of others, so I've trained myself to be strong until I'm alone.
9) When I'm out in public, I like to have as little attention on me as possible. I'm super quiet, I look down/try not to make direct eye contact with people, and unless you're looking for me, I'll blend into the crowd. However, if I know you well & we're somewhere I feel comfortable, I can have a pretty loud presence. I talk & laugh much louder/heartier, and I have a tendency to yell at the TV, especially if it's a horror, romance, drama, or any other movie where people act unrealistically stupid lol
10) I'm a bit of a geezer when it comes to digital files vs. real items. I prefer tangible things over their electronic counterparts, like CDs, movies, books, video games, photographs/photo albums, etc. It takes up more space, but I just don't trust not having a physical copy to have in case your account/device gets messed up or whatever :/
her questions
1) Do you still watch cartoons (and if so what is your favorite)?
With everything that has been going on in my life and within myself, my last priority is watching TV/cartoons. However, my boyfriend has gotten me into Steven Universe, so that is the only cartoon I keep up with nowadays ~
I could go on a whole rant on the twenty-way tie of my favorites cartoons, so I'm just going to say that Steven Universe is my favorite cartoon lmao
2) What was your first fandom?
It's tough to determine what came first, so I'm going to say it was a three-way tie between Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball/Dragon Ball Z, and Pokemon. These were all staples growing up, but I suppose since my first online purchase/piece of merchandise I bought (back in 2004/2005) was on eBay & it was the Inuyasha TV OST #1, I'll add Inuyasha to that the list as well ~
3) What did you do for your tenth birthday?
I went to Funtime America with some friends and a few of my cousins; it was pretty fun, but on the way home my father fell asleep at the wheel & we drifted into oncoming traffic. Thanks to my step-mother screaming, he woke up in time to make a sharp turn to the side of the road, but that was probably the most vivid memory from that day lol (to be fair, it was just him & my step-mother in charge of a group of kids for an entire day, then he was driving a long distance dropping them off, so I'm not surprised that he was so exhausted)
4) Are you an animal person?
I'd say so, though I'm not as intense as others. I love most animals, but when it comes to pets I'm a little finicky. I have two Bichon Frise "pups" (13 and 11 years, but still puppies to us lol), so I'm kinda spoiled with having dogs that don't shed hair/fur, don't slobber, and (usually) don't smell. I love big dogs because they are all just gentle giants (St. Bernards are one of my favorite breeds), but I don't know if I could get used to the differences lmao
As for cats, I love Maine Coons and Norwegian Forest Cats (both breeds are freaking huge, fluffy, and fierce & I love it), though I don't have a whole lot of experience owning one lol
5) Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
I've always liked being by myself, even as a kid, so I'm definitely an introvert. I wasn't necessarily shy as a kid, I actually was super outgoing (to the point my parents were concerned that I'd just start conversation and walk off with a random stranger lol), but I never craved being around people (or even having friends) & it didn't bother me to wander off & play by myself (all I did was daydream or draw anyway lol). That trait has lasted into my adulthood; being around people, even if I'm close to them (only my family and a couple super close friends are exceptions), exhausts me. I've often experienced physical discomfort (headaches and upset stomach) if I'm in a social situation longer than what I'm used to, though that could also be from my anxiety lol
6) What is your favorite kind of art?
I can appreciate all types of art, but I'm a sucker for morbid/gorey art and surrealistic art ~
7) Have you ever written a fanfiction?
Ughh, unfortunately yes; it sucked eggs & to this day I don't like remembering that I wrote it lmao
8) Who is your favorite family member?
As much as I love my father & all my family members, hands down it would be my sister. No matter how tough life got growing up, she was always there by my side, growing with me, and no one knows me (or will ever know me tbh) better than her <3
9) Do you like sweet, spicy, or salty food?
I actually have a fairly low tolerance for foods that are too salty and sweet (immediate headache), but I love spicy and sour foods (aka the foods that result in a peeling tongue lol)! I guess my love of spice comes from my Korean half; those people know how to enjoy spicy food lmao
10) Have you ever been to Boston in the fall?
No, I haven't; however a quick Google search shows that I should go lol
my questions for you guys
1) Do you currently have an earworm/song stuck in your head? If so, what is it?
2) What is your biggest pet peeve? If you don't have one, what is something you do that could bother/annoy other people (ex. cracking your knuckles, shaking your leg(s), biting your nails, etc.)?
3) What is a fashion staple for you (ex. scarves, leggings, clothes of a certain color, etc.) or what is your go-to outfit?
4) If you came into a large sum of money (no strings attached), what would you do with it?
5) What do you think your best/most defining feature is? It doesn't have to be physical ~
6) Do you prefer mornings or nights?
7) Since most, if not all, of us are artists here, what is your preferred medium for creating content?
8) Do you like to read books? If so, which is your favorite, or if you're struggling to pick just one, which one came to your mind first?
9) Do you have a favorite quote? If so, what is it?
10) What is your favorite scent? (what scent would you purchase a candle/spray of?)
I tag
& anyone else who'd like to do this <3
to give 10 facts about myself & answer her 10 questions ~ my facts 1) One of my favorite things (sometimes even more than drawing) to do is sit down and relax with a good book, though I haven't had much time for that lately :/
2) I am horrible at saving money; I definitely live paycheck-to-paycheck most of the time, and it's even worse during the holiday season; I love splurging on gifts for my loved ones lmao <3
(though I've been getting more into making gifts by hand these past couple years)
3) I have varied tastes in pretty much everything; music, fashion, food, you name it! I'm pretty open-minded, so I find things to like about most things ~
4) I went to an Irish-Catholic preschool (ran by nuns, which was pretty sweet) & while there, I was taught some Irish songs. 'McNamera's Band' was the easiest to remember (& dance to), therefore it was my favorite lol
Around that same time, I performed/sang that song twice on stage at pubs around where I lived (which for someone like me, who doesn't like attention, good or bad, was torture lmao)
5) When I was younger, I briefly took Karate and gymnastics, and I liked both quite a bit because it was good release for my negative emotions/anger (I was a troubled kid). However, I moved to a different town, which made it too hard to continue gymnastics & my karate teacher had a breakdown or something (I was too young to know at the time), and one day he just left class & never came back. Nowadays, despite my current size, I'm still pretty flexible & I've always been very strong (I'm the strapping son my father never had lmao), so I wish I could've continued those lessons and tested the limits of my body *sigh*
6) (this one's a little tmi lol) I'm probably one of the least romantic people you'll ever meet. I have no problems being affectionate in a platonic/motherly way, but I've never had the desire for a romantic/intimate connection (I can't even say that I've ever really had a crush on someone tbh). I like people, and I enjoy getting to know & being close with them, but its hard for me to show affection (verbally and physically) on a romantic level & God forbid I receive affection.. That's even more uncomfortable for me, though my low sense of self-worth plays a part in that discomfort lmao
I'm totally that person that criticizes every single movie with (in my opinion) an unnecessary & cliché romantic subplot (& don't even get me started with romance genre & shoujo manga, I can only handle it if its heavily doused in comedy and the romance isn't too dramatic).
7) I'm a very active (& heavy) sleeper. During those nights when I was little and a nightmare would bring me to sleep in my parent's bedroom, I would toss and turn so much that I'd (literally) kick my step-mother off of the bed. My father is just as heavy of a sleeper as me, so he never had a problem lol (my sister and I also inherited his sleep-talking/groaning)
The same can be said for my poor dog, we tried a couple times to have him sleep with me in my bed when he was a puppy (he's 13 now), but he suffered the same fate as my step-mother lol
I can also fall asleep pretty easily/quickly; it doesn't matter if I have to contort my body, I will find a comfortable position (most times) & I will fall asleep, even if I'm mid-sentence lol
8) I can tear up pretty easily over shows/movies (especially if it has to do with parents/fathers, children, or animals), but I'm extremely private with my internal issues/emotions. I think there's only been a couple times I've actually opened up and cried about my inner feelings in front someone who wasn't a family member. I process all that kind of stuff internally, and I don't want to feel weak/stupid in front of others, so I've trained myself to be strong until I'm alone.
9) When I'm out in public, I like to have as little attention on me as possible. I'm super quiet, I look down/try not to make direct eye contact with people, and unless you're looking for me, I'll blend into the crowd. However, if I know you well & we're somewhere I feel comfortable, I can have a pretty loud presence. I talk & laugh much louder/heartier, and I have a tendency to yell at the TV, especially if it's a horror, romance, drama, or any other movie where people act unrealistically stupid lol
10) I'm a bit of a geezer when it comes to digital files vs. real items. I prefer tangible things over their electronic counterparts, like CDs, movies, books, video games, photographs/photo albums, etc. It takes up more space, but I just don't trust not having a physical copy to have in case your account/device gets messed up or whatever :/
her questions 1) Do you still watch cartoons (and if so what is your favorite)?
With everything that has been going on in my life and within myself, my last priority is watching TV/cartoons. However, my boyfriend has gotten me into Steven Universe, so that is the only cartoon I keep up with nowadays ~
I could go on a whole rant on the twenty-way tie of my favorites cartoons, so I'm just going to say that Steven Universe is my favorite cartoon lmao
2) What was your first fandom?
It's tough to determine what came first, so I'm going to say it was a three-way tie between Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball/Dragon Ball Z, and Pokemon. These were all staples growing up, but I suppose since my first online purchase/piece of merchandise I bought (back in 2004/2005) was on eBay & it was the Inuyasha TV OST #1, I'll add Inuyasha to that the list as well ~
3) What did you do for your tenth birthday?
I went to Funtime America with some friends and a few of my cousins; it was pretty fun, but on the way home my father fell asleep at the wheel & we drifted into oncoming traffic. Thanks to my step-mother screaming, he woke up in time to make a sharp turn to the side of the road, but that was probably the most vivid memory from that day lol (to be fair, it was just him & my step-mother in charge of a group of kids for an entire day, then he was driving a long distance dropping them off, so I'm not surprised that he was so exhausted)
4) Are you an animal person?
I'd say so, though I'm not as intense as others. I love most animals, but when it comes to pets I'm a little finicky. I have two Bichon Frise "pups" (13 and 11 years, but still puppies to us lol), so I'm kinda spoiled with having dogs that don't shed hair/fur, don't slobber, and (usually) don't smell. I love big dogs because they are all just gentle giants (St. Bernards are one of my favorite breeds), but I don't know if I could get used to the differences lmao
As for cats, I love Maine Coons and Norwegian Forest Cats (both breeds are freaking huge, fluffy, and fierce & I love it), though I don't have a whole lot of experience owning one lol
5) Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
I've always liked being by myself, even as a kid, so I'm definitely an introvert. I wasn't necessarily shy as a kid, I actually was super outgoing (to the point my parents were concerned that I'd just start conversation and walk off with a random stranger lol), but I never craved being around people (or even having friends) & it didn't bother me to wander off & play by myself (all I did was daydream or draw anyway lol). That trait has lasted into my adulthood; being around people, even if I'm close to them (only my family and a couple super close friends are exceptions), exhausts me. I've often experienced physical discomfort (headaches and upset stomach) if I'm in a social situation longer than what I'm used to, though that could also be from my anxiety lol
6) What is your favorite kind of art?
I can appreciate all types of art, but I'm a sucker for morbid/gorey art and surrealistic art ~
7) Have you ever written a fanfiction?
Ughh, unfortunately yes; it sucked eggs & to this day I don't like remembering that I wrote it lmao
8) Who is your favorite family member?
As much as I love my father & all my family members, hands down it would be my sister. No matter how tough life got growing up, she was always there by my side, growing with me, and no one knows me (or will ever know me tbh) better than her <3
9) Do you like sweet, spicy, or salty food?
I actually have a fairly low tolerance for foods that are too salty and sweet (immediate headache), but I love spicy and sour foods (aka the foods that result in a peeling tongue lol)! I guess my love of spice comes from my Korean half; those people know how to enjoy spicy food lmao
10) Have you ever been to Boston in the fall?
No, I haven't; however a quick Google search shows that I should go lol
my questions for you guys 1) Do you currently have an earworm/song stuck in your head? If so, what is it?
2) What is your biggest pet peeve? If you don't have one, what is something you do that could bother/annoy other people (ex. cracking your knuckles, shaking your leg(s), biting your nails, etc.)?
3) What is a fashion staple for you (ex. scarves, leggings, clothes of a certain color, etc.) or what is your go-to outfit?
4) If you came into a large sum of money (no strings attached), what would you do with it?
5) What do you think your best/most defining feature is? It doesn't have to be physical ~
6) Do you prefer mornings or nights?
7) Since most, if not all, of us are artists here, what is your preferred medium for creating content?
8) Do you like to read books? If so, which is your favorite, or if you're struggling to pick just one, which one came to your mind first?
9) Do you have a favorite quote? If so, what is it?
10) What is your favorite scent? (what scent would you purchase a candle/spray of?)
I tag
& anyone else who'd like to do this <3Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
About my absence..
2 min read
With winter break just around the corner, I figured I'd try to have more of a presence here again. 2015 has been a pretty rough year for me.. school is still kicking my butt, I lost my wonderful grandmother to cancer back in August, and I've had to deal with some other emotionally-draining experiences that have effectively sucked away most of my motivation to do anything but sleep and worry (I'm still doing plenty of that). I'm hoping that 2016 will be a much better year & I can sort through myself and stop being so depressed and anxious, but it's kinda hard to be positive right now..
Anyway, to and 
, thank you guys for being so patient, and I'm so sorry to make you guys wait so long for your art; I'll try my best to get it up for you during the break 
As for my art, I'll be uploading a couple drawings I've done these past few months as soon as I submit this journal. My interests have expanded quite a bit since I've last been active here, so I hope that's alright for you guys lol
& to the wonderful people who are still watching me despite my absence, thank you so much! You rock! <3
Anyway, to
and , thank you guys for being so patient, and I'm so sorry to make you guys wait so long for your art; I'll try my best to get it up for you during the break As for my art, I'll be uploading a couple drawings I've done these past few months as soon as I submit this journal. My interests have expanded quite a bit since I've last been active here, so I hope that's alright for you guys lol
& to the wonderful people who are still watching me despite my absence, thank you so much! You rock! <3
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About my art...
3 min read
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My last journal...
6 min read
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