I'm just going to start this by saying I have no idea who still looks at my page anymore. I've been on this website for about 12 years (only 7 years on this account, but I've browsed deviantART since practically the beginning), and I've made many friends on here, but I've changed so much these past few years. This website, which was once a daily ritual & "safe-space" to me is now more of a time-capsule. A place where old art & memories live.
Drawing, since the moment I could put a pencil to paper, was what I spent 99.9% of my time doing. I drew with my father and sister often, because we are all artistic, and I pretty much did nothing else but draw when I was alone. It let me daydream & escape from the bad experiences in my childhood; it was my therapy; it was my identity; it was my everything. I can remember being in kindergarten, watching Dragon Ball Z in my room & telling myself that one day, I was going to make my art come to life. I can still remember how passionate I was about that, even at such a young age.
To be honest, it would be kinda sad for me to completely erase this page & say goodbye to deviantART forever. No matter what I do in my daily life, I am an artist. Art is in my blood, and I'll always hope that I will one day rediscover the love & passion I once had for my art. But life, even at 22, is exhausting. I've gone through so much emotional & mental ups and downs these past few years. I did the best I could. I went to college right after graduating high school, working two part-time jobs, to pursue my dreams of becoming an illustrator/animator.. I dropped out of art school after three semesters because I was experiencing an unhealthy amount of emotional breakdowns & my once near-perfect grades took a massive nosedive. I lost all hope in myself, and as my depression got worse, I fell out of love with everything, even art. Any friends that I had kept after high school, I distanced myself from completely; I just didn't have the energy to reach out. Nothing brought me joy, and my world became the darkest it's ever been.
I've hit my lowest lows, and wanted more times than I could count to just end it all, but I have also reached my highest highs. I fell in love with an amazing man who has loved and supported me unconditionally & fought alongside me against my demons for nearly three years now, have made great progress in my feelings of self-worth & combating the effects of my anxiety and depression through therapy, and have found the inner strength to work hard, and better myself & my situation. I work (nearly) full-time in a company that I am proud to work for, and even though things are far from perfect, I no longer live every day feeling like everything is crashing around me. For the first time since I was young, I feel hope again.
Falling back in love with art has been so much harder than I ever would've thought. It came so naturally to me my entire life up until my adulthood, that I sometimes struggled with how much I've changed as a person. I used to be so quiet and reserved; afraid to have attention brought to me & hesitant to get too close to others (or rather, for people to get to know me too well). I used my art to express my sense of humor, my interests, my personality. I let my art talk for/represent me, so I didn't have to put myself out there.
As dramatic as it may sound, I feel like when I began to slip into my most recent, years-long depression, everything began to die in me, one by one, until I was completely broken down to my rawest, most vulnerable form. I had to be reduced to nothing, with nothing to get comfort from, in order to be reborn into something greater.. As 2017 is coming to a close, I've experienced a year of metamorphosis. I've become so strong and confident in myself, and I feel like I'm finally starting to let my true self shine to the outside world.. I no longer need my art to do the talking for me. Don't get me wrong, I do find myself doodling every once in a while, and, especially these past couple of months, I will feel inspired to sit down & sketch, in the hopes that I will produce a finished piece, but I can no longer sit for hours, even a full day or night, and just draw; my life now is far too busy for that lol
With that being said, if you've made it this far, you deserve an award & a hug! I can't promise anymore that I'll be a super active user again one day.. All I can say is that as I try to fall back in love with my art, I'll also try to keep this page updated with my (slow) progress.. I hope you'll be here with me through this ~
I may not show it as much as I used to in my younger years, but I appreciate every single one of you who have stuck around (you know who you are ^u^). Even if it's a favorite here and there, checking in on my page every once in a while, or the confusing bunch of you who have recently followed me, you are all my dear friends & I hope you know you are loved <3